Anger Management Skills for Teens
Recognizing Anger Triggers and Underlying Feelings
Many teens (and adults, too!) have trouble effectively managing their anger. They may explode, yell and curse, throw things, and slam doors. Or they may turn their anger inwards, becoming sullen and depressed. In the most extreme cases, a pattern of unresolved angry feelings can lead to violence, either directed at others or towards the self. What causes these angry feelings in the first place?
It’s important that kids be able to do the following:
Recognize triggers. When kids are calm enough to process effectively, help them deconstruct situations that resulted in anger: what happened first? Often, the thing that seems to have caused the anger may have just been the “last straw”, but might not be the true trigger. Kids often need help working backwards to identify what the real issue is.
Once the trigger is identified, help teens to label it. “I got angry when my teacher asked me for my homework and it isn’t done.” “I got angry when my friend backed out of plans we had made.” Spelling out the trigger helps kids to focus on it.
Identify underlying feelings. Often, there is an emotional response to the situation that precedes anger. Try to weed these feelings out. A follow up question might be, “Why do you think that made you so angry?” In the examples above, typical responses might be, “Because everyone was watching.” or “Because it makes me feel like she’s not really my friend.” This process helps you uncover other feelings, such as fear, shame, or loneliness, which lie underneath the anger. These are the feelings that need to be dealt with.
Be sure to reflect these feelings and put names on them for kids. “You felt embarrassed.” Or “You felt like you might not trust her friendship.” Acknowledging teens’ experiences helps validate them, and keeps kids talking. Plus, until they feel understood, they aren’t usually ready to move into a problem-solving phase.
Empower kids. Oftentimes, there IS something kids can do to prevent similar situation from happening again. “What can you do differently next time that might make things work out better?” This is not blaming the child for their feelings: rather it is helping him to recognize that he does have some control. Often, kids’ anger comes from a feeling of being powerless. Helping them problem-solve helps alleviate that.
Teens might need your help in brainstorming some options. In the examples above, perhaps the first student needs to develop some better study or time management skills. Perhaps the second student needs to share her feelings with her friend to process her perceptions about her friend’s behavior. In any case, helping kids to see that there are options to try helps them to feel more hopeful about solving their own problems.
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