However, without clear boundaries and sensible consequences, kids will have a hard time learning how to effectively monitor their own behavior. Here are six tips that can help.
Individualize Your Expectations
Limits should vary depending on the child’s age, maturity, and abilities. What is acceptable for one teen may not be appropriate for another. Help kids understand that this isn’t unfairness; in fact, adjusting expectations based on where a teen is developmentally is much fairer than establishing limits uniformly when kids’ ability levels vary. Keep in mind, too that what any individual kid can handle can vary from day to day depending on factors such as stress levels, illness, social situations, and other factors.
Make it Visual
Not all kids process auditory information effectively. In addition, because of the large amount of auditory information kids take in, it can be hard for them to notice key information. Pictures, charts, tokens, modeling, and other cues kids can see help reinforce what you are trying to communicate to them.
Give Kids Options
An inability to establish a sense of control over the situation is at the root of most power struggles. You can always avoid them, but you may be able to lessen them by offering controlled choices. This also allows your teen an avenue to save face and preserve his relationship with you.
Reinforce and Reward
When kids respond appropriately to limits (without whining, arguing, negotiating, etc.), let them know that you appreciate their cooperation. While tangible rewards may be used occasionally, the natural consequence of increased freedoms (or decreased freedoms, if current limits aren’t followed) is usually the best reinforcer. As kids grow older and demonstrate more responsibility and better judgment enlarge their boundaries to provide them with more opportunity to develop.
Pick Your Battles
Each and every issue doesn’t have to turn into a major confrontation. Try to identify themes and address problems that way. For example, rather than getting on a teen three separate times about cleaning his room, forgetting to put gas in the car, and leaving dirty dishes in the sink, broach the issue of responsibility as a whole, and use the specifics as examples if needed.
Don’t Push Your Luck
Curb your urge to have the last word. For example, a sulking teen who is resentfully cleaning his room doesn’t need to be pressed about his attitude. Pushing a situation where emotions are already involved is a surefire recipe for escalation and power struggles. If you feel you must address the attitude issue, wait for a calmer time to do so.
For best results, be sure to implement strategies consistently and thoughtfully. With time and patience, even the most argumentative kid can benefit from a sense of structure and consistent limits. For more on disciplining kids, check out Student Behavior Management Plans or Teen Behavior Management Basics.
