The divorce of their parents is among the most stressful events a child will ever have to cope with.
According to The Americans for Divorce Reform “40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue." [divorcerate, 2008] This means that millions of children are currently coping with the after effects of the break up of their family and the resulting stressors caused by this disruption in their life.
What are the Risks for Children of Divorced Parents?
“Children of divorced parents are far more likely than children of stable, two-parent families to live in poverty, have health problems, and become victims of abuse and neglect. They also have higher dropout rates, initiate sexual activity at an earlier age, commit more crimes, and have higher rates of drug and alcohol addiction.” [The Heritage Foundation, 2000]. Though parental divorce is certainly no guarantee that a teen will face these or any other problems, it is one more significant factor that puts them at risk.
Why is a Divorce so Traumatic?
A divorce usually results in a child’s world being turned upside down. His family structure, from which he gains most of his security, is changed in a way he cannot predict or control. He may have to move, which may involve changing schools and leaving friends behind, adding to his sense of loss. The financial strain caused by parents maintaining two separate residences may have a dramatic impact on a teen’s life, as well.
What About Stepparents and Stepsiblings?
When parents begin to date, the teen is forced to develop relationships with other adults and possibly their children. These are people that are not related to him, nor has he chosen to have them in his life. Yet he must find a way to get a long with them, and possibly even build another family with them. This dynamic is further complicated when teens have not accepted the finality of their parents’ divorce and harbor fantasies that they will reunite, or when teens (accurately or inaccurately) blame their parent’s current romantic interest for the break up of their family.
Kids in the Middle
Couples whose divorce is less than harmonious also put incredible strain on their children when they put kids in the middle of their problems with each other. Talking behind the other parent’s back, making derogatory comments about the other parent, asking the child questions about what the other parent is doing, or using the teen’s visitation as a way to “get back” at the other parent are some examples. These kinds of behaviors only make the divorce situation more stressful for the child, and threaten the trust he has in his parents.
Kids as a “Best Friend”
Some parents also treat their teen as a confidant, unloading their feelings and talking about inappropriate topics,. Parents may be lonely and looking for a friend, but putting the burden of adult worries and information onto a child is unfair, and unhealthy. Kids shouldn’t be privy to information surrounding child support payments, their parent’s sex lives, or other adult subjects, no matter how angry or jealous parents may be about these issues.
Check back next week for Helping Teens Cope With Divorce for ideas you can use in your work with kids dealing with this issue.
